29 Secrets

The movies are full of major-league jerks — from James Spader in Pretty in Pink to Vince Vaughan in Wedding Crashers — but in real life, you can’t always separate the nice guys from the d-bags by their feathered hair. And while dating a jerk can be exciting (the adrenaline rush when he finally calls!) it’s also a surefire recipe for dismantling your self-esteem. If your boyfriend fits the criteria below, create an eHarmony profile—stat.

1 – He’s rude to people. A jerk is only nice to people if they can give him something in return—and that doesn’t include servers, cab drivers, hotel staff…

2 – He doesn’t make an effort to be involved in your life. It’s too much of a hassle to get to know your family and friends—and what’s the pay-off? A jerk will only be interested in the parts of your life that affect him, which means he won’t remember the name of your best friend from childhood, your middle name or your boss’s name.

3 – His eye is so wandering it should have its own passport. What’s worse than blatantly checking out other women? Comparing you unfavourably with them. If you’ve heard anything along the lines of “See the way she’s wearing that dress? She looks fantastic”, start practicing your ninja skills. Another favourite: any sentence that begins with “My ex….”

4 – He never puts you first. Selfishness can colour the big picture (e.g., he ditches you on your birthday because his buddy scored hockey tickets), but it also filters through into the everyday. Does he make a cup of coffee for himself, but not for you? Does he routinely take the bigger piece of pie, or the unburnt piece of toast? Is it always his music on the stereo and his favourite show on TV? If yes, he’s probably just as self-absorbed in the bedroom—his pleasure is the point, not yours.

5 – He makes you feel bad about yourself. This is the catch-all law of jerkdom. Jerks will belittle you about everything, from your weight to your taste in movies. (If you find yourself shredding your New Moon ticket stub, ask yourself if he’s worth it.) A boyfriend should inspire you to be the best version of yourself, not make you feel ashamed about who you are.