How to Trust Him Again

How to Trust Him Again

Can you trust him after a betrayal?
Comments (52)

Whether you’ve caught him in a major lie, or a full-blown affair, learning how to trust your guy again after he’s betrayed you can be difficult, and feel almost impossible. But if you’re set on trying and are both committed to getting past the temporary road bump, here’s what you need to do to help start putting the trust back into your relationship:

Get angry
This doesn’t mean stay angry, but allow yourself to be mad for a reasonable period of time. Don’t hold back. Let out everything you’re feeling with him (even if that includes screaming like a crazy woman), and talk it out with your friends and even yourself, in your private blog or journal. That way, you’re not bottling anything up, and are giving yourself the chance to properly heal without hanging onto any resentment that could lead to problems in the future. You need to work through it on your own before you even start working on it with him.

Accept that he’s human
Haven’t you ever done anything horrible, said anything wrong, or purposely deceived someone? The point is, we all make mistakes, and we all deserve the chance to be forgiven. Your boyfriend may, at most times, seem like Mr. Perfect, but you have to recognize that he does have the ability to slip up—and if he does, and genuinely regrets it, he should be entitled a second chance. Wouldn’t you want the same from him if the situation were reversed?

Team up
If you’ve been thinking that since he’s the one who royally messed up, you’ll be sitting back while he fixes the relationship solo, you’d be wrong. Rebuilding trust takes effort and commitment from both ends. You need to communicate and work together if you really want to overcome your issues. While you look for ways to help regain your ability to trust, he needs to focus on proving that he’s truly worthy of that trust.

Keep it in the past
This doesn’t mean to never talk about it, but once you’ve both said all you really can say about what he’s done, there’s no reason to keep rehashing it and rubbing how wrong he was in his face. You can’t really let go of something and get beyond it if you keep bringing it up and arguing about it. Plus, you have to remember; your man is not his mistake. You have to separate the person from the behaviour, and honestly, guilt-tripping him will end up doing more harm than good.

Be patient
Rebuilding trust takes time, sometimes a lot more than we’d like. But you need to realize and make peace with the fact that things can’t immediately go back to how they were before he betrayed you, and that you won’t start feeling better about it overnight. While it may be hard to remain patient, keep in mind that in the long run, through working through your problems, your relationship has the potential to be stronger than ever.

 
 

Comments

Anonymous's picture

This reminds me of Shania, I just watched her new show where she married again after her Ex betrayed her trust, and I just don't know how people do it when they have been hurt to the bone like that by a cheater. Good tips but I say Find A New Guy.

Anonymous's picture

It is an extremely sad time as this has recently happened to me. It totally broke my heart. The point I would like to make is that if you truly love this person, it is more difficult than you think to walk away. Although I thought it was the end of the world for me and didn't know where or whom to turn to, we consulted a marriage counselor. He was able to discuss my husband's problems as he became distant and angry over a period of time. It is now over a year of his sexual wandering as he maintains it was only sex, I believe him, at least 50% and more men wander. There was no emotional tie!
Don't think it can't happen to you, because I certainly didn't see it coming. He has always loved me and that is apparent in our relationship today. We are growing stronger as a couple, communicate much better as he is very remorseful, apologetic and sick of how it could have happened. I have been able to give him that 2nd chance as the last thing he wanted was to lose me. People go through changes in life, be it good or bad. Everyone needs a 2nd chance. Understanding the problems first hand is important, don't ignore the situation as I did. I have also learned a great deal of our emotional connection. Good luck to those who are experiencing this today. Time will heal the heart.

Anonymous's picture

All men cheat. Men only care so much about you. They mostly just care about themselves.

Anonymous's picture

Anon, Your comment below is flagrantly and slanderously false. Simply because one man hurt you does not mean all men are as conceited as those you have known. I would also remind you that not all men cheat. Statistics show that approximately fifty-five percent of married men cheat; in relation, approximately fifty percent of married women cheat (http://www.authorsden.com/categories/article_top.asp?catid=57&id=28879). Both genders are equally capable of stupidity, whether it is lack of affection or extra-marital affairs.

Anonymous's picture

Your advices are excellent. This had happens to my 27 year marriage. Prevention is the best medicine. If I have ever read your article, it would help me to troubleshoot his betrayal fast enough to save my heartache in the past two years. Now. it seems that my marriage is getting stronger, but the wound's scar has embedded in my mind. I was so naive to trust my life, my soul in the hand of my spouse. Forgiveness is accepted and given from my heart, but the wound's scar is forever embedded in my mind. It is always easy to say than to do. Shania's story will be impossibly applicable to others. Young, talented, beautiful, wealthy, and famous are favourable to Shania's second chance. Please, think reversely: old, average career, average looking, just above poverty level, and just normal working towards retirement. These conditions will not enhance the better second chance to any women. Poverty, loneliness, sickness and bitterness are waiting to crucify and surround women's life because family members and friends eventually distance us. Believe me, it had happened to me during two years of troubled marriage. Today, I am sick of all fake friendship that I thought it was real. Good luck to others who may face to this situation. Be strong for yourself, and continue on your quest for a higher education.

laura lockwood's picture

The comment about the 27-year marriage is heart breaking but at least her relationship is getting better.
FACT: Most men cheat at least once in a long term relationship, and many women do also.
Once the cheating is exposed and you still want the relationship, YOU (check it out WITHOUT your partner's knowledge) must determine if the cheating occured over a long period of time (more then a few weeks), and/or if it occured sporadically several times, during the course of the relationship. If any of these is the case, then that person will cheat again because it is a life-style pattern. Whatever, (s)he promises is irrelevant and will not be kept, and all excuses for past behavior are just hot air. It is up to you, the partner, to decide if being in this relationship is worthwhile.
Sadly, for many people, especially in later part of life, and/or in poor financial circumstances, there is no other realistic choice.
;

Anonymous's picture

I am in the process of repairing a very dysfunctional 17 year marriage and the devastation from learning of my husband's 6 month affair with a woman who lives in another province. He made several trips away that were out of character so I was suspicious for that reason only. It was definitely an emotional as well as physical affair and that has been hard to come to terms with. All my husband wanted over the years was for me to be affectionate to him and I was resentful of his demands. I was completely emotionally unavailable. I absolutely take much of the blame. Bottom line, my husband came clean, quit the relationship and ultimately wants our relationship to be healthy and strong. I couldn't want anything more either. It may sound completely perverse but I somehow feel indebted to this woman for making me see the light. And yet hateful of her for trying to take him from me. And she really was- this was no fling for her.
Yes, I am still hurting but my husband has been more loving than ever and thrilled to be moving forward with me -on better footing. And so am I.
So, I've learned that you can never get too comfortable or take each other for granted to the point that needs are not being met by one spouse or both. Marriage is worth the hard work. I've learned the hard way- but I will forgive, never forget- because it is a reminder of how I almost lost him.

Anonymous's picture

Nicely stated and more women should read your account of your situation. Most women tend to believe that its only one persons fault that the marriage fell apart. Too often i hear women..and where i work its primary women working there... that he's a dog, or im a mother now i dont have time for sex or the realtionship. It takes tow to make a marriage work well, and it really does take two to make it fall apart. Many Men (as well as women) will still continue to have a sex drive well after children. I know many women that i speak to on a regular basis act as though that part of the life is over with.... Scary but so true, and if you want to ignore that reason you got married in the first place. (intimacy, sex companionship) with that other individual you can only expect that he/she will look somewhere else for it. So before you go blaming the other individual for wandering outside the home, maybe you need to take inventory of the shelves that are nearly bone dry! This is so true for both men and women, I know that my wife and I have been married for 7 years now and we both realize that it takes commitment and work to have a marriage be succesful. Best wishes to you Annonymous and 17 yrs of marriage. Good for you that you have an opne mind and a sense of reality.

Anonymous's picture

Horseshti woman cheat just as much and likely more then men. I have grown up around woman who cheated and each one of my friends has a mother, aunt or sister that cheats all the time. Woman are much better at hiding it men feel guilty and want to get caught woman dont care and therefore know event hey are caught they can blame the mans behavior do mental gymnastics and make him believe ti was his fault she cheated. Who do you think the men you know are cheating with it is OTHER married woman!

Anonymous's picture

I've just found out my perfect, caring, thoughtful, loving Partner of 16 Years has been having 'inappropriate relationships' - one with a girl at work: meeting for lunch, drinks after work, flirting. Also found out he had met a girl whilst out with friends and arranged to meet her again and took her out. Also, found out that he was asking girls out for dates on social networking sites. The thing is that our relationship is fantastic. We have 2 beautiful children, we are friends as well as lovers, enjoy a healthy sex life and are always laughing, going on dream holidays, have a lovely home and enjoy life.. so this came as a total shock to me and totally unexpected.
He swears that none of the 'relationships' went as far as sex... do I believe him? Hell NO!!!! This perfect man looks totally diferent to me now and I can't ever see myself looking at him like I used to... He has totally ruined our perfect life! What a LIAR he is!! And how could he possibly do that to me.. us?!
He's been to Vegas with his mates, stag do's abroad, World Cup with mates and I never bat an eyelid, total trust but now I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and don't believe a word that comes out of his lying mouth!
Bitter to say the least! Anyone got any words of wisdom as how the hell am I going to save our relationship? I still love him (It would be easier if I didn't) as I just woke up one day and found out Mr Perfect ain't so great aftre all! I'm totally gutted.
How can I ever trust him again! Trust is the main issue here... and my bitterness of course.....!

Anonymous's picture

He admitted, after I left him, that every time he left the house he removed his wedding ring. I know this happens in many marriages. This occurred for at least ten years. Several indiscretions happened but there was one that crushed my soul.
My husband is a lawyer. He has his own practice. His secretary of two years was leaving so I stepped in to help him. We have four daughters and at that time the youngest was just months old. What a blessing she was but so unexpected. I was forty when she was born. ANYWAY, we placed an add in the paper for an experienced legal secretary. We only revived, according to him, two resumes. Luckily one applicant worked for a colleague and was ready for a change. We interviewed her. He stated that she, at least, could jump right in without his having to train her. She was young and married. My husband and I had a great marriage emotionally, sexually. Best friends. Besides, I too was working in the office. After a few weeks I started getting strange vibes from her. I questioned my husband. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about. He said that she was a little odd. That he loved me and our children. He also assured me that if she became too friendly or fresh that I would be the first to know.
10 years later after discovering his trying to kindle flames through texting and phone calls with another women and my leaving, he admitted that there were things that happened with the women from ten years prior. Now understand that he himself never on his own or when being confronted, admitted to ANYTHING. I had to have clear "evidence " before he would tell even partial truths. What hurt so deeply was finding out that his hiring her had been planned. That he went as far as to interview her in front of me and had been "seeing" her months before. That when ge would encourage me to "go ahead and go home because I worked so hard!" all they were doing was waiting for me to leave.
I am with him again trying to work through the pain. Our youngest daughter is only eleven and has Aspergers syndrome. Anyone familiar with an ASPI understands that they cannot handle change. I still feel such pain. I try not to be suspicious, to no avail many days . . I am so sorry for anyone who goes through this.
Oh yes, one fact that I should tell you. My husband is legally blind. Guide dog and all. I was in beauty pageants, Jr. Miss ect, while I was growing up. I fell in love with him even knowing of the added responsibilities I would have. So I knew that the depth of attraction had to be more than skin deep. When he was home he never let on that anything was wrong. He is a top lawyer. I use to be very offended when anyone would say that lawyers were paid liars.

Anonymous's picture

How do I ever trust again ??????

Anonymous's picture

:( its obsessing me. Running my every minute. I've stopped in the middle of sex. Thinking of her with him!!!!!!

Anonymous's picture

My husband & I were having issues I told him to leave he stayed @ hotels & his mothers but came over everyday. Moved in & out for like 4 mths then HIS EX shows up at the end of my driveway telling me she's been seeing him. She showed me txts. & a few pictures one of them at HER friends @ a party in a back yard. He is back home & insists they never had sex! I'm obsessed with the fact that this MAY happened he insists nothing happened & said he'd take a lie det test!? I constantly bring it up 2 him & he turns it on me like "I'm the one" up 2 something? Its all making me sick I can't sleep it consumes me......

Anonymous's picture

I feel so much empathy, i understand completely. The worst thing I think about finding out that a man has been seeing another woman or doing something similar is the shock of realising he is not what you first thought he was. It hurts like a female dog and it almost leaves a sickly gash in your stomach and a clenching feeling in your heart. I can't explain the pain, its not physical but its not emotional like sadness, almost as if you want to curl over into a ball like your worst period pains and bang your head on the floor whilst you rip out the metal plate (i always feel like the ball in your stomach is a metal plate). The hardest thing to accept though is that its done, and if you were to go out and do the same thing you'd only be dubbed a hypocrite. You want him to feel your pain and that's why you always bring it up, I've made my boyfriend cry every night this week since he's done it (it happened on friday, but it wasn't the first time he's breached my trust). And then he says "you still want to marry me and have my babies?" in a sad tone, and of course I want to, but i say horrible things like "well, i don't think I could let my babies have an unfaithful father" or "I can't trust you now, how am I going to be able to trust you in 40 years time?". But none of this is true, i couldn't ever breach his trust in the way he did to me, but I can mentally hurt him and emotionally, and that's even worse I think. I can fajazzle with his mind, because that's my only ammo. And it's so so so horrible, but relationships are brutal, and its my only way of getting over it, making sure that he suffers for a little while.
That female dog that turned up at the end of your drive, as much as you hate to hear it, did the right thing (if it was true). She obviously doesn't want you to get sucked into his lies, and maybe her hidden agenda is to steal him from you, and if it is, then he never was that brilliant in the first place, and the guy you thought he was was never there. If that prickly did do what she said, then you need to consider things, in the long run you have two options 1)stay with him 2) get a divorce. And because I am not married I may not fully understand the ways of marriage, do you stick through these sorts of things? do you get a divorce? If he swore he never had sex, then I guess you need to believe him... You could maybe go to the girl and ask her for proof, and ask him if he can proove it? I really hate the fact you are loosing sleep, i know this sounds weird but i want to give you a hug and say its okay! Because I know exactly how you feel, and you feel so disgusting. Like you are not good enough because he couldn't see your face when he was with you, like he didn't think of you , and why didn't he think of you and stuff? Like now every time you walk down the street you have a minor panic attack if a pretty girl walks past and you want to punch him in the face. But I promise, and I swear on everything in this world, that you are worth so much much much much much more than that, and I can tell just by the way you wrote your comment that one day, if you aren't with him, you will find a boy who will change the flowers in the vase in the kitchen every time they die. You will find the boy who will hug you when you're having a screaming match, you will find the boy who will still come back to you even if you threw a fruit ball at him haha! and you will find the boy (and this is a big thing) who you can do a poo infront of! You will find the boy that when you're having a bad day, you come home and he's written a note about how you're a good woman and you will succeed in life. And you will find that boy who will cuddle you all night just because you have cramps! And if he ticks all of these areas, then thats good ,and you are very very lucky. Trust me, it does exist. Because even though my boy breached my trust, he does every single one of these things and more, and I never even asked or hinted for any of them. And most of my friends go eeeeek thats cringey/clingy/off putting, its not in the slightest because its nice to find someone who truly appreciates you and truly identifies your beauty and wants to make you feel loved, and i love that. It doens't make me feel sick because I lvoe him, and the only reason this would make some women feel sick is because they don't understand the feeling of being appreciated. Its so nice.
Just remember, there is always someone out there for you, and if this guy is causing you so much hurt and not enough love and happiness, its time to start searching again, even if you're married!xxxxxxxxxxxx (A massive hug and punch in the stomach because a punch sounds as though it wiwll make it feel better - if you get me ahhahah - don't worry about anything, you are you, and you are strong, you've already stayed with him for this long after your hurting)
xxxxxxxx

Anonymous's picture

Would you trust someone who says he's going to therapy and getting help for the cause of his betrayals? But then constantly misses or skips therapy, has a useless dud of a therapist anyway, and does not do anything to fix the therapy situation?
I just don't see his sense of urgency to fix this. It's as if he doesn't think there is a problem, so why bother fixing it?

Anonymous's picture

I'm so sad for you or anyone who has been through this. It hurt to my core. But the fear is the most upsetting. Fear of finding out that the person you thought you knew the most...you didn't know at all.
My thoughts are with you,
K.

Anonymous's picture

I totally understand. When things are obviously bad in a relationship, you almost expect this. But when things seem so good...well, youre blindsided. Ive been there, and i still deal with trust issues. Take care of yourself and best of luck.

Anonymous's picture

Me and my bf have been dating a year and living together for a couple months..i know its not as long as most people but i think he's the one. It took me 2yrs to finally be serious about another relationship since my tragedy of an engagement occured with my xFiance who tried to hit me with a car after i confronted the girl he was seeing, which automatically left the jerk. In march i caught my current bf emailing other women as well as talking to someone else. He says he is sorry and has stopped because he doesnt want to lose me, but its so hard to trust his words..i dont like being a fool but i want to trust him..i just dont know how to without snooping. I feel like im crazy. If a man is willing to change how do you know if he did? I wish this never hapoened..he is going to ask me to marry him..i fount the ring so right now im scared if i do..he will cheat on me. I need some helo...is this love not worth the tradgedy or am i making it a tragedy?

Anonymous's picture

Reading all these stories has truly broken my heart. I too am a victim of a bastard who cheats. I've heard all the excuses but my favourite one of them all???
'I don't know why I did it! I just did!' Excuse me but.... WTF!!! He told me it was a one time thing but true as nuts, I start getting emails, texts and phone calls from this woman telling me everything that they did and all the messages between them. One being, that the weekend after he confessed everything, he goes and sleeps with her. He demands a boys night out to 'vent' and the following day I get a email saying that he slept with her again. I ask him about all this and he denies it all - ofcourse! Then one night, he comes home in a drunked state, demanding that I ask all the questions I have. So, I do! And the response you may ask? I was just available when he started dating me, he loves her and has loved her for 4 years, he would do it again if he had the chance and he planned the whole thing the first time, 2 days after our anniversary!!!!!!! again WTF!!!!! So i left him.. He comes running back to me, tail between his legs, gets his family involved and begs me to talk to him. So i decide to hear him out. And what do I get 2 days later??? An email, stating how he had come to her after I had left him, proposed to her, saying he wants to grow old with her, sleeps over!!! God only knows what they did! And also states that I should be seeing more pictures of them 2 together on his profiles, which I do, the very same day I get the email!!!! But then takes me on holiday for my birthday??? I am so confused! I dont know what to believe, or what to do! I've been looking for a couples counselling therapist but can't seem to find a decent one. I'm just so angry all the time that even crying is a waste of time and effort. Everytime I try talk to him about how I feel, he switches off, saying that he has been doing everything to prove that he was wrong and to fix things. I don't know if it is a good idea to maybe meet with both of them and end this once and for all??? Oh - we just bought a house together and moved in, whilst all this was happening!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

Anonymous's picture

This reminds me of Shania, I just watched her new show where she married again after her Ex betrayed her trust, and I just don't know how people do it when they have been hurt to the bone like that by a cheater. Good tips but I say Find A New Guy.

Anonymous's picture

It is an extremely sad time as this has recently happened to me. It totally broke my heart. The point I would like to make is that if you truly love this person, it is more difficult than you think to walk away. Although I thought it was the end of the world for me and didn't know where or whom to turn to, we consulted a marriage counselor. He was able to discuss my husband's problems as he became distant and angry over a period of time. It is now over a year of his sexual wandering as he maintains it was only sex, I believe him, at least 50% and more men wander. There was no emotional tie!
Don't think it can't happen to you, because I certainly didn't see it coming. He has always loved me and that is apparent in our relationship today. We are growing stronger as a couple, communicate much better as he is very remorseful, apologetic and sick of how it could have happened. I have been able to give him that 2nd chance as the last thing he wanted was to lose me. People go through changes in life, be it good or bad. Everyone needs a 2nd chance. Understanding the problems first hand is important, don't ignore the situation as I did. I have also learned a great deal of our emotional connection. Good luck to those who are experiencing this today. Time will heal the heart.

Anonymous's picture

All men cheat. Men only care so much about you. They mostly just care about themselves.

Anonymous's picture

Anon, Your comment below is flagrantly and slanderously false. Simply because one man hurt you does not mean all men are as conceited as those you have known. I would also remind you that not all men cheat. Statistics show that approximately fifty-five percent of married men cheat; in relation, approximately fifty percent of married women cheat (http://www.authorsden.com/categories/article_top.asp?catid=57&id=28879). Both genders are equally capable of stupidity, whether it is lack of affection or extra-marital affairs.

Anonymous's picture

Your advices are excellent. This had happens to my 27 year marriage. Prevention is the best medicine. If I have ever read your article, it would help me to troubleshoot his betrayal fast enough to save my heartache in the past two years. Now. it seems that my marriage is getting stronger, but the wound's scar has embedded in my mind. I was so naive to trust my life, my soul in the hand of my spouse. Forgiveness is accepted and given from my heart, but the wound's scar is forever embedded in my mind. It is always easy to say than to do. Shania's story will be impossibly applicable to others. Young, talented, beautiful, wealthy, and famous are favourable to Shania's second chance. Please, think reversely: old, average career, average looking, just above poverty level, and just normal working towards retirement. These conditions will not enhance the better second chance to any women. Poverty, loneliness, sickness and bitterness are waiting to crucify and surround women's life because family members and friends eventually distance us. Believe me, it had happened to me during two years of troubled marriage. Today, I am sick of all fake friendship that I thought it was real. Good luck to others who may face to this situation. Be strong for yourself, and continue on your quest for a higher education.

laura lockwood's picture

The comment about the 27-year marriage is heart breaking but at least her relationship is getting better.
FACT: Most men cheat at least once in a long term relationship, and many women do also.
Once the cheating is exposed and you still want the relationship, YOU (check it out WITHOUT your partner's knowledge) must determine if the cheating occured over a long period of time (more then a few weeks), and/or if it occured sporadically several times, during the course of the relationship. If any of these is the case, then that person will cheat again because it is a life-style pattern. Whatever, (s)he promises is irrelevant and will not be kept, and all excuses for past behavior are just hot air. It is up to you, the partner, to decide if being in this relationship is worthwhile.
Sadly, for many people, especially in later part of life, and/or in poor financial circumstances, there is no other realistic choice.
;

Anonymous's picture

I am in the process of repairing a very dysfunctional 17 year marriage and the devastation from learning of my husband's 6 month affair with a woman who lives in another province. He made several trips away that were out of character so I was suspicious for that reason only. It was definitely an emotional as well as physical affair and that has been hard to come to terms with. All my husband wanted over the years was for me to be affectionate to him and I was resentful of his demands. I was completely emotionally unavailable. I absolutely take much of the blame. Bottom line, my husband came clean, quit the relationship and ultimately wants our relationship to be healthy and strong. I couldn't want anything more either. It may sound completely perverse but I somehow feel indebted to this woman for making me see the light. And yet hateful of her for trying to take him from me. And she really was- this was no fling for her.
Yes, I am still hurting but my husband has been more loving than ever and thrilled to be moving forward with me -on better footing. And so am I.
So, I've learned that you can never get too comfortable or take each other for granted to the point that needs are not being met by one spouse or both. Marriage is worth the hard work. I've learned the hard way- but I will forgive, never forget- because it is a reminder of how I almost lost him.

Anonymous's picture

Nicely stated and more women should read your account of your situation. Most women tend to believe that its only one persons fault that the marriage fell apart. Too often i hear women..and where i work its primary women working there... that he's a dog, or im a mother now i dont have time for sex or the realtionship. It takes tow to make a marriage work well, and it really does take two to make it fall apart. Many Men (as well as women) will still continue to have a sex drive well after children. I know many women that i speak to on a regular basis act as though that part of the life is over with.... Scary but so true, and if you want to ignore that reason you got married in the first place. (intimacy, sex companionship) with that other individual you can only expect that he/she will look somewhere else for it. So before you go blaming the other individual for wandering outside the home, maybe you need to take inventory of the shelves that are nearly bone dry! This is so true for both men and women, I know that my wife and I have been married for 7 years now and we both realize that it takes commitment and work to have a marriage be succesful. Best wishes to you Annonymous and 17 yrs of marriage. Good for you that you have an opne mind and a sense of reality.

Anonymous's picture

Horseshti woman cheat just as much and likely more then men. I have grown up around woman who cheated and each one of my friends has a mother, aunt or sister that cheats all the time. Woman are much better at hiding it men feel guilty and want to get caught woman dont care and therefore know event hey are caught they can blame the mans behavior do mental gymnastics and make him believe ti was his fault she cheated. Who do you think the men you know are cheating with it is OTHER married woman!

Anonymous's picture

I've just found out my perfect, caring, thoughtful, loving Partner of 16 Years has been having 'inappropriate relationships' - one with a girl at work: meeting for lunch, drinks after work, flirting. Also found out he had met a girl whilst out with friends and arranged to meet her again and took her out. Also, found out that he was asking girls out for dates on social networking sites. The thing is that our relationship is fantastic. We have 2 beautiful children, we are friends as well as lovers, enjoy a healthy sex life and are always laughing, going on dream holidays, have a lovely home and enjoy life.. so this came as a total shock to me and totally unexpected.
He swears that none of the 'relationships' went as far as sex... do I believe him? Hell NO!!!! This perfect man looks totally diferent to me now and I can't ever see myself looking at him like I used to... He has totally ruined our perfect life! What a LIAR he is!! And how could he possibly do that to me.. us?!
He's been to Vegas with his mates, stag do's abroad, World Cup with mates and I never bat an eyelid, total trust but now I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and don't believe a word that comes out of his lying mouth!
Bitter to say the least! Anyone got any words of wisdom as how the hell am I going to save our relationship? I still love him (It would be easier if I didn't) as I just woke up one day and found out Mr Perfect ain't so great aftre all! I'm totally gutted.
How can I ever trust him again! Trust is the main issue here... and my bitterness of course.....!

Anonymous's picture

He admitted, after I left him, that every time he left the house he removed his wedding ring. I know this happens in many marriages. This occurred for at least ten years. Several indiscretions happened but there was one that crushed my soul.
My husband is a lawyer. He has his own practice. His secretary of two years was leaving so I stepped in to help him. We have four daughters and at that time the youngest was just months old. What a blessing she was but so unexpected. I was forty when she was born. ANYWAY, we placed an add in the paper for an experienced legal secretary. We only revived, according to him, two resumes. Luckily one applicant worked for a colleague and was ready for a change. We interviewed her. He stated that she, at least, could jump right in without his having to train her. She was young and married. My husband and I had a great marriage emotionally, sexually. Best friends. Besides, I too was working in the office. After a few weeks I started getting strange vibes from her. I questioned my husband. He assured me that I had nothing to worry about. He said that she was a little odd. That he loved me and our children. He also assured me that if she became too friendly or fresh that I would be the first to know.
10 years later after discovering his trying to kindle flames through texting and phone calls with another women and my leaving, he admitted that there were things that happened with the women from ten years prior. Now understand that he himself never on his own or when being confronted, admitted to ANYTHING. I had to have clear "evidence " before he would tell even partial truths. What hurt so deeply was finding out that his hiring her had been planned. That he went as far as to interview her in front of me and had been "seeing" her months before. That when ge would encourage me to "go ahead and go home because I worked so hard!" all they were doing was waiting for me to leave.
I am with him again trying to work through the pain. Our youngest daughter is only eleven and has Aspergers syndrome. Anyone familiar with an ASPI understands that they cannot handle change. I still feel such pain. I try not to be suspicious, to no avail many days . . I am so sorry for anyone who goes through this.
Oh yes, one fact that I should tell you. My husband is legally blind. Guide dog and all. I was in beauty pageants, Jr. Miss ect, while I was growing up. I fell in love with him even knowing of the added responsibilities I would have. So I knew that the depth of attraction had to be more than skin deep. When he was home he never let on that anything was wrong. He is a top lawyer. I use to be very offended when anyone would say that lawyers were paid liars.

Anonymous's picture

How do I ever trust again ??????

Anonymous's picture

:( its obsessing me. Running my every minute. I've stopped in the middle of sex. Thinking of her with him!!!!!!

Anonymous's picture

My husband & I were having issues I told him to leave he stayed @ hotels & his mothers but came over everyday. Moved in & out for like 4 mths then HIS EX shows up at the end of my driveway telling me she's been seeing him. She showed me txts. & a few pictures one of them at HER friends @ a party in a back yard. He is back home & insists they never had sex! I'm obsessed with the fact that this MAY happened he insists nothing happened & said he'd take a lie det test!? I constantly bring it up 2 him & he turns it on me like "I'm the one" up 2 something? Its all making me sick I can't sleep it consumes me......

Anonymous's picture

I feel so much empathy, i understand completely. The worst thing I think about finding out that a man has been seeing another woman or doing something similar is the shock of realising he is not what you first thought he was. It hurts like a female dog and it almost leaves a sickly gash in your stomach and a clenching feeling in your heart. I can't explain the pain, its not physical but its not emotional like sadness, almost as if you want to curl over into a ball like your worst period pains and bang your head on the floor whilst you rip out the metal plate (i always feel like the ball in your stomach is a metal plate). The hardest thing to accept though is that its done, and if you were to go out and do the same thing you'd only be dubbed a hypocrite. You want him to feel your pain and that's why you always bring it up, I've made my boyfriend cry every night this week since he's done it (it happened on friday, but it wasn't the first time he's breached my trust). And then he says "you still want to marry me and have my babies?" in a sad tone, and of course I want to, but i say horrible things like "well, i don't think I could let my babies have an unfaithful father" or "I can't trust you now, how am I going to be able to trust you in 40 years time?". But none of this is true, i couldn't ever breach his trust in the way he did to me, but I can mentally hurt him and emotionally, and that's even worse I think. I can fajazzle with his mind, because that's my only ammo. And it's so so so horrible, but relationships are brutal, and its my only way of getting over it, making sure that he suffers for a little while.
That female dog that turned up at the end of your drive, as much as you hate to hear it, did the right thing (if it was true). She obviously doesn't want you to get sucked into his lies, and maybe her hidden agenda is to steal him from you, and if it is, then he never was that brilliant in the first place, and the guy you thought he was was never there. If that prickly did do what she said, then you need to consider things, in the long run you have two options 1)stay with him 2) get a divorce. And because I am not married I may not fully understand the ways of marriage, do you stick through these sorts of things? do you get a divorce? If he swore he never had sex, then I guess you need to believe him... You could maybe go to the girl and ask her for proof, and ask him if he can proove it? I really hate the fact you are loosing sleep, i know this sounds weird but i want to give you a hug and say its okay! Because I know exactly how you feel, and you feel so disgusting. Like you are not good enough because he couldn't see your face when he was with you, like he didn't think of you , and why didn't he think of you and stuff? Like now every time you walk down the street you have a minor panic attack if a pretty girl walks past and you want to punch him in the face. But I promise, and I swear on everything in this world, that you are worth so much much much much much more than that, and I can tell just by the way you wrote your comment that one day, if you aren't with him, you will find a boy who will change the flowers in the vase in the kitchen every time they die. You will find the boy who will hug you when you're having a screaming match, you will find the boy who will still come back to you even if you threw a fruit ball at him haha! and you will find the boy (and this is a big thing) who you can do a poo infront of! You will find the boy that when you're having a bad day, you come home and he's written a note about how you're a good woman and you will succeed in life. And you will find that boy who will cuddle you all night just because you have cramps! And if he ticks all of these areas, then thats good ,and you are very very lucky. Trust me, it does exist. Because even though my boy breached my trust, he does every single one of these things and more, and I never even asked or hinted for any of them. And most of my friends go eeeeek thats cringey/clingy/off putting, its not in the slightest because its nice to find someone who truly appreciates you and truly identifies your beauty and wants to make you feel loved, and i love that. It doens't make me feel sick because I lvoe him, and the only reason this would make some women feel sick is because they don't understand the feeling of being appreciated. Its so nice.
Just remember, there is always someone out there for you, and if this guy is causing you so much hurt and not enough love and happiness, its time to start searching again, even if you're married!xxxxxxxxxxxx (A massive hug and punch in the stomach because a punch sounds as though it wiwll make it feel better - if you get me ahhahah - don't worry about anything, you are you, and you are strong, you've already stayed with him for this long after your hurting)
xxxxxxxx

Anonymous's picture

Would you trust someone who says he's going to therapy and getting help for the cause of his betrayals? But then constantly misses or skips therapy, has a useless dud of a therapist anyway, and does not do anything to fix the therapy situation?
I just don't see his sense of urgency to fix this. It's as if he doesn't think there is a problem, so why bother fixing it?

Anonymous's picture

I'm so sad for you or anyone who has been through this. It hurt to my core. But the fear is the most upsetting. Fear of finding out that the person you thought you knew the most...you didn't know at all.
My thoughts are with you,
K.

Anonymous's picture

I totally understand. When things are obviously bad in a relationship, you almost expect this. But when things seem so good...well, youre blindsided. Ive been there, and i still deal with trust issues. Take care of yourself and best of luck.

Anonymous's picture

Me and my bf have been dating a year and living together for a couple months..i know its not as long as most people but i think he's the one. It took me 2yrs to finally be serious about another relationship since my tragedy of an engagement occured with my xFiance who tried to hit me with a car after i confronted the girl he was seeing, which automatically left the jerk. In march i caught my current bf emailing other women as well as talking to someone else. He says he is sorry and has stopped because he doesnt want to lose me, but its so hard to trust his words..i dont like being a fool but i want to trust him..i just dont know how to without snooping. I feel like im crazy. If a man is willing to change how do you know if he did? I wish this never hapoened..he is going to ask me to marry him..i fount the ring so right now im scared if i do..he will cheat on me. I need some helo...is this love not worth the tradgedy or am i making it a tragedy?

Anonymous's picture

Reading all these stories has truly broken my heart. I too am a victim of a bastard who cheats. I've heard all the excuses but my favourite one of them all???
'I don't know why I did it! I just did!' Excuse me but.... WTF!!! He told me it was a one time thing but true as nuts, I start getting emails, texts and phone calls from this woman telling me everything that they did and all the messages between them. One being, that the weekend after he confessed everything, he goes and sleeps with her. He demands a boys night out to 'vent' and the following day I get a email saying that he slept with her again. I ask him about all this and he denies it all - ofcourse! Then one night, he comes home in a drunked state, demanding that I ask all the questions I have. So, I do! And the response you may ask? I was just available when he started dating me, he loves her and has loved her for 4 years, he would do it again if he had the chance and he planned the whole thing the first time, 2 days after our anniversary!!!!!!! again WTF!!!!! So i left him.. He comes running back to me, tail between his legs, gets his family involved and begs me to talk to him. So i decide to hear him out. And what do I get 2 days later??? An email, stating how he had come to her after I had left him, proposed to her, saying he wants to grow old with her, sleeps over!!! God only knows what they did! And also states that I should be seeing more pictures of them 2 together on his profiles, which I do, the very same day I get the email!!!! But then takes me on holiday for my birthday??? I am so confused! I dont know what to believe, or what to do! I've been looking for a couples counselling therapist but can't seem to find a decent one. I'm just so angry all the time that even crying is a waste of time and effort. Everytime I try talk to him about how I feel, he switches off, saying that he has been doing everything to prove that he was wrong and to fix things. I don't know if it is a good idea to maybe meet with both of them and end this once and for all??? Oh - we just bought a house together and moved in, whilst all this was happening!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

Anonymous's picture

Like with all things we cherish we need to protect. Rules and boundaries are not intended to be a punishment for our children, ourselves and our marriages. No one gets married with the intent to hurt someone. Without rules and boundaries partners think it's their right to have intimate relations with people of the opposite sex. WRONG.. unless someone is paying for sex. The cheating is them forming intimate friendly relations with people of the opposite sex. The next step is physical. Both intimacy relations and sexual are definitely cheating.

Anonymous's picture

Ok so me n my boyfriend/baby daddy have been together 5yrs..in the past he has done wrong but came clean that next day..n I have talked to another person before which I shouldnt have but came clean..well things have been great we live in our own home for the first time n things r going great.then I come home from church one evening n catch him talkin to a female from work on the phne.i asked n he said its his mama so I call her n she said no it aint me..so..i asked him y he said it was just a friens n he.is helping her out with problems.but tjey have only talked or txt a coupl days..he told me he loves me n dnt want to losw me but he wnt hold me against mu will..so what do I do..i want it to work but I dontto be used..please help...

Anonymous's picture

Glad I'm not alone on this, sitting there while your partners away at work.. in the big city while I'm way out in a little town. It all started when he said to me 'I'm going to a work do' I was like ok.. I knew it would just be something little couple of drinks a laugh. So I left him to it that night, had a shower and early night.
The next morning I woke up to a text ' couldn't get home sorry babe'
My fella rides a bike and obviously from drinking he couldn't ride. But I didn't mind that I knew he'd stayed atone his mates.
So couple days have gone past and he's being sweet caring and loving. Texting me and calling throughout the day. Even Facebook -the cause!! We were talking online when he was tagged in some pictures... some girl sat on basically on his lap and gazing into his eyes. Then he's looking over at some other girl in a picture.. but it does get worse.. so they went onto another club. it's only when we argued later that day that I checked his phone and there was a text from some girl. 'was good last night sorry I was drunk' 'the role play was fun'after finding out what happened.. him taking her back to a mate's and kissing her and playing roll play (not sexual) -so what was it?!
We didnt break up just argued REALLY argued. We got close again and it was slowing pulling together, until one night his mate 'asked' to come for a drink that night It was fine so he went I went out with my friends.
So your boyfriend comes home I kiss him 'I need that' he says... that was odd seeing as it's not not something he usually says even after a long day. That night in bed I was tossing and turning and all I could think was, something's not right it cant be... so I did, I checked his phone again... I break down in tears and all wanna donis wake him up and scream. But I don't I take in the information... reading like. .il meet you at the Costa for a coffee near the tube station ( can't say where) there arrangement all made up and shes flirting like ooh you wouldn't recognise me!! SO they've met before.... course the flippin had this French girl this blond girl with boobs staring back at me on Facebook knows my man. So before he wakes up I took her number from his phone but left it on his too. its was a 0032 number so I know she wasn't English ( just like the first) so when he went to work I acted fine than I called her... she was like what's going on I don't understand. I told her I knew where she worked and if she didn't tell me why she was with my man last night I will make her look like some kind of who're. She told me everything.. they met in the Caribbean before me and him met, the had one hot night together but nothing more.... so why now after 4years does he contact her... She tells me she was only down London for few days and he planned to take her for dinner. He asked for a picture of her and a kiss apparently see said no. like I believe either of them. So after all this trust and love wrong had its been a complete waste of my time... my man of 5 years that lives under my roof and dosnt pay a penny treated me like a mug.. 5 years of finding out its not you he wants its the thrill of having his cake and eating at work too. I can't trust any man since. He's destroyed the love and romance inside me

Anonymous's picture

It's all so sad and no one seems to understand. I have been with my love for 6 years and we have 2 beautiful daughters together. He's been unfaithful since day one. It was never supposed to happen. I had recently been in a relationship for 11 years. The first man I open up to I get pregnant within a month. I try to work it out with him even tho I knw he's sleeping with numerous women. When I was 6 months pregnant with our first daughter, another woman also becomes pregnant. I dealt with the back n forth non sense for at least 4 years. Finally the relationship with them ended. Sort of. He goes and sees his son (in the next state over), bout every 2 months. She won't let him come here. N I can't go there. So a few months ago he wants to see his son cuz he hadn't seen his son since christmas. He waNTed to take my daughter along. I said fine so that she could see her brother. The next day while he is at work, my 4 yr old daughter tells me daddy was in her room 'fighting her'. Mind u, at this time I am 7 months pregnant with my second daughter. I confront him about it and for once he was honest. We got past it and I forgave him for the millionth time. So I thought everything was fine. He cried actual tears and held me all nite. Until 3 weeks ago when I gave birth.... A woman sent me a message while I was still in the hospital that she was sleeping with him. My heart was crushed as a sit there looking at this beautiful little girl that we made. Planned it even... It was the same woman that I had found text msgs from when I first told him I was pregnant. He said it was over with. Apparently not. I question him and he says I'm holding us back cuz I can't let go of my fears and doubts of wats happened in the past and that this woman is just trying to start trouble cuz she wants him. I blow it off. That same week he leaves for 8 hours and I have no clue where he's at. He won;'t answer my calls or texts. I pack all his things so that when he gets here they're ready. He wouldn't leave till the next morning. Come to find out he was sleeping with a 17 yr old Amish gir and was staying with a woman he had previously cheated on me with. So many stories so little space. I could write a book. A big one. The thing is, I love him with every ounce of me. When he's here with me, It's all lovey dovey. We're very flirtatious with eachother. Make love at least once a day. N we always go out together and have a great time. We are eachothers bestfriend. I know he loves me. I've seen the tears. I've felt his love. It's just when he's not around me, he has no control when it comes to temptation. It's mostly women he works with or the mother of his son. I want this to work. It's so perfect besides the infidelity. He would never leave me for any of these women. I just have no clue what to do. I don;t want to lose what we have. Yet I don't deserve to be cheated on. I believe he has a sickness. But how does he overcome it? I can't protect him from all women. Temptation is everywhere. I just want all this to end.

Anonymous's picture

After 2 years together we found out I was pregnant with baby #2
I was so in love being a good house wife taking care our little girl that was 1 at this time... While he was at work, working being a good husband as I "thought" well here comes dec.25,2010 on Christmas day I cooked a turkey for the first time and everything was fine we ate he went to the room real quick came to living room and he sat down to watch tv I went to restroom and notice his phone by the tv something told me look at it I was so nervous and scared for some reason then I saw a text say I'm home already don't text me have a good Christmas see u at work tomorrow....
Omg my heart dropped and I started shaking I grab my phone put that number on my phone and call it was a girl I asked do u knw frank and she didn't say anything I said do u knw frank I'm his wife and notice y'all were texting then she says I don't know you ask him and she hung up.
I go to living room and tell him your talking to a girl and I was crying and his look on his face just dropped his face got ghost white like he knew he just got busted I threw this phone at wall and tld him your cheating on me. He was blaming his friends and couldnt have a straight story so I go well let's call her I did and I was like how do you know frank and frank in the back I dont know that b**** and he kept saying it then I hung up the phone.... Story short I told him to leave he did that night I was crying so much I couldn't sleep then i decided to call that girl again i told her talk to me i have every right to know so she did she told me he would say shes pretty she got her number from a friend he would always call her when i was at the store and she knew i had a little girl and i was pregnant... I found out they were talking for 6 months she said they never kissed or anything and the reason shes telling me because frank is lying and calling her a b**** and she dont like that thats why she told me well me and her talked for a while and of course i was beyond hurt but I was worried about him because he had no where to go I started thinking of if something bad happens to him. So I went looking for him then hours pass I find out he's at my moms I go pick him up
And I'm asking him please tell me why and he never admitted about 2 days pass and I'm feeling sick and been crying non stop then we talked and he told me he's sorry and he don't know why he was talking to her and he didn't like her blah blah blah in my mind I knew he liked her, and of course it kills to to feel my man liking someone else
But we decided to stay together I was pregnant and I loved him still so much even tho he did this to me he ended up quitting his job And promising he won't hurt me again and just give him a second shot we ended up moving cuz I didn't feel like my home was a home anymore. Today is now aug. 2012 and we are still together good things been happening to us and we are raising our 2 daughters together I'm still so in love with him and hes been good that ive know of but i really think he learned from his mistake
my problem is cant seem to trust him still and I need help to trust him again and that's the only thing stopping me I want to trust him and I want to be with him forever. I just need helP letting go the pass....

Anonymous's picture

I need some help and advice, hopefully someone can give
me some sort of direction on what to do, my boyfriend and i have been together a year and a half, we are living together in our own place and raising my son from a previous reletionship together whose. Biological father hasnt seen him in over a year and a half (my son thinks my bf is his father, too little to know different) im also now 8 months pregnant with my boyfriends son, anyway when i was about 3 months pregnant my bf left me for another girl he came back begging for forfiveness and after a long talk through tears i took him back, i really really love him and want to spend my life with him, but im having a hard time trusting him at all, i constantly wonder if hes cheating on me, and i dont think i could handle him leaving again, i just dont know what to do anymore, i want the best for my boys and i believe thats us together, but sometimes i question if he really loves me and is being faithful.....

michell's picture

Hi my name is Michell am from Australia with this tears joy and happiness in my heart i want to say thanks to this great man DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com for what him has done for me , This is my story i was 24 years old when i married my husband and we were both living together happily no fighting . but i was not comfortable with this married because after 4 years of our married i have not be able to give my husband a child doctors reveal we are capable of bearing children but we have no child to call our child so i was worry thinking of what to do so i can be able to give birth. inside all my thinking for a solution for my problems my husbands families came and they accuse me for been a barring women so i have to leave their son alone so i was been push out of my husband house so i went crying looking for a solution to my problems because i love my husband very much and don’t want to loose to another woman so all my mind think is him so i cry all nite to get back with him . one Friday evening when browsing i came across a testimony shared by miss Viviana how this DR ABULU helped her solved a similar problems so i decided to contact this man about my own problems and to my best surprise he also help me out and to day am happy not only because am with the man i loved but still because of i now have a child of my own .so for all this help from you DR ABULU of abuluspiritualtemple@yahoo.com i want to say thank you once again , so friends if you know you are into such or any kind of problem contact this man and i guess he will also help you out good bye

kate's picture

When my husband left, it was devastating to myself and our children. For nearly two years I barely saw or heard from him. Three weeks before our daughter's graduation, he came home but not with the intention of reconciling. It was during this time that I found out there was another woman involved. After the graduation he left as quickly as he came. Words cannot express how hurt I was. I came across drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com while looking for scriptures on healing. I contacted the temple and I ordered a spell to get him back Almost three days to the day my husband left, he called me and said he needed to see me immediately. When we met, I could not believe what he had to say. Cherlyn said it would happen suddenly and it did. We have a lot of work ahead of us. i want to a very big thank you drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com am very grateful”

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